Remo's Mini Series
by Remo Con
Summary: 10 short, humorous episodes in which I toy, destroy and mail off Rurouni Kenshin characters: 1-5 posted
1. Default Chapter

**__**

Disclaimer: While I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, during this mini-series I have borrowed them, tortured them, and done others nasty things to them. If this bothers you, not my problem. MAKE SURE YOU READ THE AFTERS: MOST IMPORTANT

Note: This is the tale of how I came to be in the C.R.A.Z.Y.W.R.I.T.E.R.S Asylum (see my bio)

Part I: **_The Tree_**

Aoshi walked into the Town Square. There he saw a large group of people huddled around a tree. He walked over to see what it was. In the center was Misao, wearing super hero tights and a long blue cape. In her arms was a kitten she had just rescued from the tree behind everyone. 

"Misao!" Aoshi gasped. "What are you doing?"

"I can explain," Misao tried to reason with him.

"No you can't!" Aoshi said, taking a step back. "You're covered, what happened to your skimpy ninja outfit?!"

"I had to become modest at some point in my life," Misao pointed out. "I mean, I am grown up." 

"Misao, I'm sorry," Aoshi said regretfully. "I'm sorry, but I can't be with you as long as you are wearing that." And he ran off into the sunset.

Misao flew up into the sky, until she spotted an innocent bystander who looked like he was happy. Taking out her kunai she plunged into the earth, throwing them. The innocent bystander looked up just in time and moved out of the way. Misao plunged into the ground with a loud thump. A large bump appeared on her head. Aoshi, a million miles away, heard his beloved's crash and came running.

"Misao!" He cried. She groaned and sat up. 

"That is the last time I gamble against Jiya," She huffed. "He cheats!" From behind near-by bushes Okina laughed evilly. He took out his camera and clicked. Out came a beautiful picture of Misao and Aoshi kissing, with a large rip on Misao's pants.

End

After: 

Aoshi: I would never act like that!

Misao: Aoshi, do you love me? (General sweatdrop appears on set) 

Okina: Do I get to keep the picture?

Remo: Okay people, places! I've got a mini series to write here!

Crew: When do we get paid? (A vein appears on Remo's forehead)

Remo (terrifyingly): As soon as you do some real work. Now get moving! (Everyone runs onto the next set, terrified at the youth with a killer pen and pad of paper)


	2. Part 2

Part II: **_Don't Mess With A Health Instructor_**

Saitoh pulled out a cigarette and began smoking. All of a sudden a little health class instructor appeared.

"Smoking is bad for your health," She informed him. "It can give you lung cancer which can kill you."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," He grumbled, continuing to puff away.

"Really," She insisted. "You would leave your children and wife behind to fend for themselves." 

"So?" He asked, starting to get ticked off. 

"Do you want your family to end up in poverty because you couldn't stop smoking?" She persisted. Finally he snapped. Pulling out his sword he attempted to gatosui her, but suddenly she wasn't there. A light tap on his shoulder startled him.

"The first step to quitting is admitting you need to," She said seriously. Slashing, she dodged. 

"Why won't you stay still?" He hissed. 

"Your children would grow up without knowing their father," She said sadly. "And all because you couldn't stop smoking." 

"Would you shut the f*** up!" Saitoh roared. She thought about it for a second. 

"No," She decided. Taking out her "No Smoking" sigh, she bonked him over the head, causing him to drop his cigarettes.

"Who am I?" He asked in a dazed voice. 

"A non-smoker named I-Quit-Because-I-Was-Almost-Litteratly-Annoyed-To-Death-By-A-Health-Teacher," She told him wisely. "Or I.Q.B.I.W.A.L.A.T.D.B.A.H.T. for short." 

"Thank you," He said. "I think I'll go home to my wife and children and not smoke." 

"Good idea," She agreed. He started to walk off. She grabbed him, turning him in the opposite direction.

"It's this way," She told him. He nodded and continued off. She disappeared with his cigarettes. On the way home he conked his head into a tree and suddenly he remembered everything.

"I want my cigarettes!" He howled. Then he slumped to the ground, sobbing his 'ittle heart out.

End

After: 

Saitoh: How dare you do that to me you b****!

Remo (innocently): Who, me? 

Sano: When do I get to beat Saitoh up? 

Saitoh: You couldn't beat me if I was dead. (Sano's faces crumples up and he begins to sob) 

Remo (patting Sano on the back): It's okay. (Glaring at Saitoh) You can beat up Mister Mibu Wolf in a couple episodes. 

Saitoh (choking): What?

Tokio: You can't hurt my hunny buns! (Leaning up against Saitoh) Nobody can beat my snuggle-wuggums. (Everyone on set falls down anime style) 

Remo (rubbing her head and grinning evilly): I'm gonna have to work that in somehow. 

Saitoh (pleading): No! I'll do anything! Just don't do it!

Remo: Anything? (Saitoh nods foolishly)

A few seconds later: 

Saitoh comes on stage wearing a sailor moon costume, singing Hit Me Baby One More Time. 

Remo (sipping a lemonade): He _did_ say anything. (Claps her hands) Are you getting this on tape?  


Camera dude (shows thumbs up sign): Yup!

Remo: Sing louder my pet! Sing louder! (Cackles evilly) (Saitoh gulps but doesn't have the courage to disobey his master) 

Tokio: How dare you insult my pookey-wookey in this way? I demand this to stop! 

Remo (pausing): Okay, that's all for now. Camera dude, give me the film. (Camera dude does so) Everybody go to the next set, I'll be right there.

(When everyone is gone Remo sneaks onto the computer and uploads the tape. Then she sends it to everyone in the universe.)

On some far off distant planet in some unknown system: Gaka blak me! **Translation: What an idiot. **Then aliens laugh until they're eyes pop out of their sockets and they're forced to get on the ground and feel around for them.


	3. Part 3

Part III: **_How Girly Are You?_**

Kenshin stood there, doing laundry. But he was anything but happy. All he did was work, work, and get yelled at by Kaoru. That was no way to live! He was the legendary Battosai the manslayer, and he was reduced into doing housework for a woman! It was preposterous! 

"I won't do it anymore," He said forcefully.

"What was that Kenshin?" Kaoru said sweetly as she walked out of the dojo.

"I won't do housework anymore!" He said louder. 

"What do you mean Kenshin?" Kaoru's lip quivered. "Don't you care about me?" 

"Yeah, Kenshin," Yahiko piped up. "Have some pity on the old hag, everyone knows she's not girly enough to do housework." 

"You mean I'm girly!" Kenshin fumed. 

"What do you mean I'm not girly enough?" Kaoru demanded at the same time. They both got out their weapons and charged at Yahiko. He gulped, then turned and ran away even faster then Sojioru could using the Sekuchi. 

End

After:

Kenshin: Sessha would never stop doing housework for Kaoru-dono, that I wouldn't. 

Kaoru (very upset): Kenshin, would you stop calling yourself the unworthy one in Japanese, I don't speak Japanese! 

(Everyone one on set except for Kaoru and Kenshin fall over anime style)

Kenshin (apologetically): Sessha will stop doing it if that is what Kaoru-dono wishes. 

Kaoru (her eyes filling with tears): That is what I want. 

Yahiko (makes a face): I'm not gonna work with these two lovebirds!

Remo (starting to get aggravated): Okay, can we **_please_** focus people. (Everyone on set shakes his or her head) 

Crew member: Not until we get paid. 

Remo (quietly): You want to get paid do you?

Crew member (shakily): Y-yes. (Remo grins evilly and pulls out her eraser) 

(Crew member tries to run away)

Remo (cackling): Where do you think you're going. (Crew member trips and falls on his face. Remo bends down and erases him.) Any one else want to get paid?

Everyone else: Nope!

Remo: Good. (Her eyes narrow) Now get onto the next set immediately! (Everyone runs onto the next set) I love this job.


	4. Part 4

Part IV: **_There Goes Our Bum_**

Sano came out of the inn, feeling very, very, broke. 

"That is the last time I'm going to gamble," He swore. "I'm going to get a job and pay off all my debts." Megumi, who heard everything, runs over to him and begins to check for signs of a fever. 

"What are you doing fox-lady?" Sano grumbles, swatting her hand away. "Megumi would you quit it?" She turns white. 

"Sano," She said carefully. "I think you should come with me."

"What for?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Not answering she grabbed his hand and he followed her to Dr. Genzai's office. 

"Dr. Genzai!" Megumi cried. "Come quick!" 

"What is it Megumi?" The old man asks as he comes running into the room.

"Sano's very ill," She said. "He said he was going to get a job!" 

"What?" Genzai exclaimed. "Bring him into the room, Megumi, there's no time to waste!"

"I'm not-" Sano tried to say. Megumi hushed him and pulled him into Dr. Genzai's office. There he was offered a drink. He took it gratefully and downed it in the speed of light. Then he fell unconscious even faster. 

"We'll have to warn the producers," Megumi said finally. "They'll want to know they need to hire a new bum." 

"Yes," Genzai said sadly. "It's to bad. He was a very good bum."

"He was," Megumi said softly. "The best bum I've every seen."

End

After: 

Sano (whining): Why did I get to beat Saitoh up?

Misao (complaining): Why weren't my love Aoshi and I in this episode?

Aoshi (blushing): Misao, let's just leave.

Tokio (infuriated): Why didn't you let my fluffy-wuffy regain his pride in the episode?

Remo (grinning): He's never going to get that back after last time. (To Sano) Saitoh was to embarrassed to show, sorry. (To Misao) You'll be in the next one. (To Aoshi) If you want to be able to show your face in public, I suggest you run very far away before I start the next episode. 

Aoshi (gulping): Bye Misao! (He runs off in terror) 

Misao: My love! Come back! Come back!

Dorothy: Auntie Em, Come back! Come back!

Wicked Witch of the West: Would somebody please shut her up!

Remo (taking out the duck tape): Gladly. (Dorothy and Misao take off after Aoshi) Okay people, move your buts over to the next set. If I don't hear some movement in the next five seconds, you'll all end up back with Walt Disney! 

(Crew members run off to next set in terror)

Remo: I love watching them do that. 


	5. Part 5

Part V: **_To Much Time Alone_**

Hiko Sojioro gulped down the entire sake bottle. 

"I am the fastest sake drinker in the entire world," He boasted to his invisible audience. Sighing, he put bottle and picked up a mirror and began smiling into it. 

"I am the best," He told his reflection. He frowned. "You can't be the best if I'm the best, which I am." Still the reflection mocked him. Well he couldn't stand for that so he pulled out his sword and Ama Kakaru Ryu No Hera Meckied it. 

"I told you I was the best," He said to the shattered glass. Things were so dull with out Kenshin. "Baka denshi! Who am I supposed to make feel inferior if you're not around!" He howled. Grabbing a new sake bottle he walked over to the lake and looked in. He smiled and his teeth shone in the sunlight. 

"I am so-o-o good looking," He said arrogantly. Then the drained the sake and threw the bottle so hard up into he sky it never came back down. He got into a macho-man pose. 

"I am so-o-o-o strong," He informed the water. "Everyone wants me." But it just wasn't the same with out other people around. 

"Where are the girls from the Aoiya when you need them," He grumbled. Kneeling down he looked in the water and smiled. If nothing else he could practice being conceited. 

End

After:

Hiko (miffed): I don't think I'm the best, I know I'm the best. 

Kenshin (pitifully): Sessha, sessha means I (looks at Kaoru lovingly) am sorry that I am not there for you master. 

Kaoru (ticked off): You're master's a jerk, don't be sorry. 

Kenshin (going Battosai): My master is not a jerk. 

Hiko (arrogantly): Of course's I'm not a jerk. I'm perfect. 

Osamu and Okon (batting their eyelashes): Aww. He's so handsome. 

Osamu: And so strong.

Okon: And so completely mine.

Osamu: No, he's mine.

Okon: Mine!

Osamu: Mine!

Remo: Shut up! (The two cower under her power) Good. Hiko: be gone! (She takes out her pencil and zaps Hiko into a pile of dust, just cause she can) Kenshin, you're pathetic. Change back from Battosai to Mr. So-Nice-You-Make-Me-Sick, and Kaoru, insulting Kenshin's master is not going to make him like you. Now everyone else, get going! 

(Everyone goes to next set)

Remo (lazily): Come out Saitoh. (Saitoh sneaks out around the corner)

Saitoh (cautiously): Is my wife around here?

Remo (crossing her fingers): No. (Saitoh sighs in relief.)

Saitoh: Now about the next episode…

Remo (with a wave of her hand): Yes, yes, I'll make it look like you're Mr. Tough guy once more. Now go, I don't want to look at you. (Saitoh leaves.)

Tokio: Do I really get to cuddle with my huny-bunchkins next time?

Remo (smiling maliciously): Yes, of course my dear Tokio, of course.


End file.
